When it comes to trauma recovery and post-traumatic growth, there’s a dominant narrative that promises total transformation. We’re sold the idea that we can completely reinvent ourselves, leaving behind our old triggers and responses as if they were mere artifacts of a past life. This seductive promise of becoming entirely different people free from our past is inspiring but dangerously misleading. It sets us up for inevitable failure and disillusionment.

The Myth of Complete Transformation

Let's be blunt: the idea that we can fundamentally change who we are is a myth. Our identity is deeply rooted in our experiences, biology, and the intricate wiring of our brains. These aspects are not easily rewritten. Yes, we can grow, adapt, and develop new coping mechanisms, but the notion of a total overhaul is not only unrealistic—it’s harmful. It perpetuates the false hope that we can escape ourselves, leading to more frustration and self-blame when we inevitably fall short. It adds to the layers of shame, guilt, and whatever flavour of ‘not enoughness’ is yours.

Embracing Our Wiring

Our responses to triggers and stressors are hardwired through years of lived experience and survival tactics. These reactions are not defects to be eradicated but integral parts of ourselves to be understood and accepted. The pursuit of becoming someone who never reacts to triggers or who has entirely different responses is not just futile but damaging. It fosters feelings of inadequacy and despair when we find ourselves doing the thing we said or thought we wouldn’t.

The Limits to Change

While we can make significant strides in managing our trauma and fostering growth, it's crucial to acknowledge the limits to these changes. Some triggers will always exist, and our initial, split-second reactions to stress might never disappear. The goal of trauma recovery should not be about eliminating these responses but about learning to navigate them more effectively.

Healing as a Non-Linear Process

Healing is not a straightforward journey from pain to recovery. It’s a convoluted, non-linear process where progress often looks like regression. We cycle through behaviors, repeat mistakes, and accumulate experiences that reinforce our worldviews. This cyclical nature of healing can feel like we’re going backward, but it’s actually a vital part of growth. Each revisit to these patterns offers deeper understanding and improved strategies for management. If, we can work on being with our triggers, and accepting our reactions, instead of avoidance or other methods of distraction.

Finding Strength in Acceptance

Acceptance is a powerful, yet often overlooked, component of trauma recovery. Recognising that some aspects of our responses may never change frees us from unrealistic expectations. Instead of striving to become a completely different person, we can focus on becoming the best version of ourselves within the framework of who we are.

An Anecdote: Mark's Reactivity Journey

Consider Mark, who came to therapy determined to stop getting angry with his family. He believed that eliminating his anger was the key to improving his relationships. However, this goal set him up for failure, as it meant trying to bypass or shut down a very real emotion. Mark had a lot to be angry about, given his past experiences.

Mark’s breakthrough came when his therapist encouraged him to accept his anger as a valid emotion. Instead of trying to eliminate it, Mark began to understand the roots of his anger and why it made sense given his history. He learned to express his feelings constructively and recognise his triggers.

By accepting his anger and working within its framework, Mark found healthier ways to manage his stress and communicate with his family. This acceptance didn’t mean resigning to his anger but learning to navigate it in a way that respected his emotions and his relationships.

Practical Steps Forward

1. Self-Compassion: Work on acknowledging and accepting your reactions without judgment. They are part of your survival mechanism. They helped you.

2. Mindfulness: Practice being present and aware of your triggers and responses. This awareness can help you manage them more effectively. Practicing mindfulness also helps us to start to recognise glimmers.

3. Support Systems: Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your journey. They provide the encouragement and validation you need.

4. Therapeutic Techniques: Engage in therapeutic practices like Embodied Processing, Brainspotting, EMDR, ACT, Narrative Therapy, and mindfulness-based therapies. These can be particularly effective in processing trauma and developing healthier coping mechanisms.

Redefining Growth

Post-traumatic growth doesn’t mean becoming someone entirely new. It means finding new ways to thrive despite our past experiences. It involves recognising our strengths, developing resilience, and learning to live with our scars rather than erasing them. This is challenging. Many people find it incredibly difficult to experience positivity or view themselves as okay just as they are.

The Limits of Change: A Necessary Conversation

Our profession desperately needs to shift its language around trauma healing. The pervasive myth of complete transformation is not just misleading; it’s damaging. By perpetuating this ideal, we invalidate the genuine progress individuals make and set them up for disappointment. We must acknowledge that some scars remain, some responses persist, and that’s okay. Healing is not about erasing the past but about finding ways to live harmoniously with it. Sometimes, this means adapting our world and our lives to support who we are, rather than striving for who we wish to be. It may require changes such as working less, sleeping more, or being less available and productive. These adaptations can be far more crucial to our well-being than pushing ourselves to "get back out there" or trying to change our ability to cope with work or other responsibilities.

Our therapists are experts in the field of trauma and nervous system dysregulation, using various modalities to support a diverse clientele we focus on accepting and managing natural emotional responses, like anger and reactivity, rather than eliminating them. By fostering self-compassion and acknowledging the limits of change, we help clients build healthier relationships and thrive authentically. Book with us or get in touch via the ‘Get Started’ button.