You’ve had enough, but have zero idea what that means, because what else is there except to keep doing what you’ve been doing?

You feel like you're constantly being gaslit by society and your loved ones. Because you often hear things like, "But you’re so high functioning!" or "You’ve achieved so much!" and yet you feel like you're barely keeping it together…

Keep reading if:

• You’ve been called 'super mum' or 'superwoman,' while simultaneously being the butt of jokes (you’re probably making said jokes yourself) about being a 'hot mess,' 'flaky,' or having 'anxious energy.' People don't realise the sheer amount of effort you put in to maintain said successes.

• You’re putting in 200% effort to complete what for others is a 60% task.

• You’ve been masking your whole life, playing the part society expects, while feeling disconnected from your true self. You don’t even fully know what masking is, you just know it feels like what you’ve been doing.

• You’re exhausted!

Is This Trauma or is this ADHD?

Understanding the Intersection of Trauma, ADHD, and Executive Function

Research shows that people with ADHD are more likely to experience trauma compared to those without it. A 2017 study found that adults with ADHD are twice as likely to report adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) like abuse and household dysfunction. It’s nearly impossible to grow up Neurodivergent in a Neurotypical world without psychological impacts.

The impulsivity and hyperactivity of ADHD can lead to behaviours that are often misunderstood, resulting in harsher discipline and negative responses from caregivers and teachers. These challenges, along with difficulties in organisation and time management, can make it hard on family dynamics and academic performance and creates constant stress and conflict at home and school.

Additionally, parents with ADHD children often have ADHD themselves, leading to a more chaotic household environment and further increasing the likelihood of ACEs.

For these reasons, we firmly believe that ADHD distress symptoms cannot exist without trauma and nervous system reactions, and services must be designed from a trauma-informed perspective to effectively address both ADHD symptoms and intertwined trauma-related adaptations.

Living with both trauma and ADHD can significantly impact your executive functioning— the mental skills that help you manage time, stay organised, and control impulses.

Trauma often exacerbates ADHD symptoms, leading to:

1. Nervous System Dysregulation:

• Hyperarousal or Hypoarousal: Difficulty in maintaining a balanced state can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, or feeling emotionally numb.

  Modalities such as Brainspotting, EMDR, and somatic therapies help to regulate the nervous system by essentially processing and releasing stored trauma. This type of nervous system work allows the brain and body to communicate effectively about traumas and reorganise the way they are subconsciously remembered. This enables the nervous system to better regulate, recognising that the traumatic memories—whether explicitly remembered or implicitly triggered (conscious or unconscious)—are in the past, not in the current moment. It's not about erasing the knowledge that the trauma happened but allowing us to leave it in the past without being hijacked by our nervous systems.

When we balance our limbic (nervous) system, we can address everyday issues, like not folding the laundry or forgetting to buy toothpaste, without being overwhelmed by anxiety or old patterns designed to protect us from past threats. This balance allows us to release the anxiety that starts to creep up and quiet the subconscious voice that piles on to tell us we're stupid or lazy for not addressing these tasks immediately.

2. Mood Shifts:

• Emotional Volatility: Rapid mood changes and intense emotional reactions are common. It’s important to understand that this does not mean big, obvious behaviors, especially with girls or women. Emotional volatility in individuals with ADHD often manifests in more subtle ways, such as internalised feelings of frustration, anxiety, or sadness. These mood shifts can occur quickly and intensely, sometimes without an apparent external trigger, making them challenging to manage and understand. Girls and women with ADHD are particularly prone to internalising these emotions, which can lead to misdiagnosis or underdiagnosis as their struggles might not be as outwardly visible.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) provides strategies to manage emotions and improve mood stability.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT):

• Emotional Flexibility: ACT helps you develop mindfulness and acceptance strategies to manage difficult emotions. By focusing on accepting your thoughts and feelings rather than fighting them, you can reduce the impact they have on your behaviour and well-being.

• Value-Driven Action: Identify your core values and commit to actions that align with them, enhancing overall life satisfaction. ACT encourages you to live a life that is consistent with your values (not everything we’re told to worry or care about is actually worth it, what’s valuable to YOU is more important) leading to greater fulfillment and improved mood stability.

• Improved Psychological Flexibility: Research shows that ACT can improve psychological flexibility, which is the ability to stay in contact with the present moment regardless of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, and to choose one’s behaviour based on the situation and personal values.

ACT is now being used specifically to work with ADHD, there is a big link to helping with the secondary effects like drowning in confusing feelings, struggling with self-compassion, and feeling like something is always about to go wrong. Learning to align with value-driven action based on our unique core values.

3. Self-Worth Issues:

• Deeply Ingrained Negative Beliefs: Persistent feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem can hinder personal growth and well-being.

• Research shows that individuals with ADHD often experience statistically higher rates of poor self-worth and self-esteem. This is largely due to a higher incidence of negative self-talk and frequent reprimands during childhood for behaviors that were misunderstood. Psychiatrist and author William W. Dodson, MD, estimates that by age 12, children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages from parents, teachers, and other adults than their friends and siblings who do not have ADHD.

  • Negative Self-Talk: People with ADHD tend to have an inner dialogue filled with self-criticism and doubt. This negative self-talk can stem from repeated failures or difficulties in meeting societal expectations and personal goals. To make it worse, small failures equal big feelings and the desire to try again is completely diminished.

  • Childhood Reprimands: Many children with ADHD are often misunderstood and frequently reprimanded for behaviors beyond their control. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a belief that they are inherently flawed.

CBT challenges and re-frames these negative thought patterns to foster a healthier self-image. For women with ADHD, CBT can be particularly effective in addressing self-image issues by helping them identify and challenge the negative beliefs they hold about themselves. By recognising and questioning these thoughts, women can begin to see their actions in a more neutral light and themselves in a more positive light, and also focus on their strengths and achievements rather than their perceived failures. CBT techniques such as cognitive restructuring can help women develop a more balanced and compassionate view of themselves, reducing feelings of shame and increasing self-confidence. Additionally, CBT can teach practical skills for managing ADHD symptoms, which can further enhance self-esteem by improving daily functioning and overall life satisfaction

CBT isn’t for everyone and if the trauma symptoms are significant there are many more ways to work with negative thoughts and feelings!

4. Navigating Relationships with ADHD

ADHD can significantly impact relationships, often leading to common cycles and pitfalls such as over-functioning and under-functioning. These dynamics can create an imbalance that causes frustration and resentment for both partners.

Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning: In relationships where one partner has ADHD, it’s common for the non-ADHD partner to take on more responsibilities to compensate for the ADHD-related challenges. This over-functioning can lead to:

• Frustration for the Over-Functioning Partner: They might feel burdened, unappreciated, and exhausted from constantly managing both their own responsibilities and those of their partner.

• Resentment for the Under-Functioning Partner: They may feel criticised, marginalised, or overly dependent, which can hurt their self-esteem and motivation. Additionally, the under-functioning partner might feel there's no point in attempting tasks because the over-functioning partner always steps in first. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or the belief that their partner thinks they are incapable.

• Learned Helplessness: The partner with ADHD might start to feel incapable of handling tasks independently, leading to a sense of helplessness and reinforcing the cycle of dependency.

• Shame and Parental Dynamics: The ADHD partner might feel shame for not meeting expectations and resent the feeling of being parented by their partner, which can strain the relationship further.

Recognising yourself as a 'high functioning' woman with ADHD might feel validating, but this label also creates shame around the substantial challenges you face daily. It's crucial to look beyond societal expectations and acknowledge your internal battles with fatigue and disconnection and hypervigilance it takes to keep it moving.

Therapies like Brainspotting, EMDR, ACT, and CBT are instrumental in managing ADHD symptoms and underlying trauma. These approaches help you better understand and regulate your emotions, challenge negative self-talk, and improve your relationships.

In addition to therapy, starting ADHD coaching could be a transformative step. Qualified ADHD coaches specialise in strategies tailored to your unique brain wiring, helping you create practical systems and routines that enhance daily functioning and personal effectiveness.

If you see yourself in these descriptions, consider reaching out for professional support. Working with a therapist and/or a qualified ADHD coach can provide a comprehensive support system, offering a safe space to explore these dynamics and embark on a path to healing and self-discovery.

Moving away from the 'high functioning' narrative might feel scary but with the right support, you can find true well-being, empowerment, and balance.

Taking that first step towards therapy and coaching can transform your struggles into opportunities for growth, allowing you to thrive beyond the confines of labels and expectations.